20091007

THIRTEEN LESSONS FOR NEW CAT OWNERS - You poor saps.


  1. I no longer have the glass plate from my microwave - I had just washed it, set it on the counter, got interrupted and Tink knocked it to the floor - bye bye microwave plate. Lesson #1 - don't leave anything breakable near the counter edge.
  2. A gold bracelet has gone missing. Tink discovered my jewelry box when I accidentally left the lid up. Lesson #2 - Always shut the jewelry box or buy only cheap costume jewelry.
  3. I went to the store for groceries. I came home and found my freshly baked banana bread full of little bite holes and the butter licked down to the plate. Lesson #3 - Don't leave the house without putting food somewhere cats can't get to it.
  4. Tink has developed a fondness for my little mini paper umbrellas on the bar. Lesson #4 - Don't tease a cat with little paper umbrellas that make crinkly noises and open and close.
  5. Tink is fond of dark places and hiding where I can't find him. Lesson #5 - shut all closet and cupboard doors and put a brick on all floor vents! (Yup, he yanked one up and crawled in!)
  6. Tink got into my art drawer where I keep various and sundry goodies. He bit into a tube of super glue. After you quit laughing please remember Lesson #6 - Cats look really funny with paper clips, eraser nubs and stamps stuck on their faces but sooner or later you have to get them off. You will not look funny with all the scratches and puncture holes on your hands and arms that will result from this truly agonizing exercise.
  7. Don't think your cat is just laying there being lazy as it watches you go about your daily routine. Your cat is watching every move you make and calculating more mischief. Lesson #7 - Once your cat learns how to open the screen door by himself you will never be able to get a nice breeze from that direction again without bungee cords and locks being installed.
  8. I've lost three rolls of toilet paper because I was stupid enough to let the cat in the bathroom with me. Lesson #8 - Never let a cat even see a roll of toilet paper, you can also buy a toilet paper protector and struggle with the contraption every time you have to pee. Or just give up and put the damn roll in a drawer for the remainder of the cat's life.
  9. Lesson #9 - Cats don't do tricks and don't kid yourself into thinking they do - you'll waste a ton of kitty treats and when you try to get them to do the trick to show off they'll ignore you, twitch their tail, lay down and lick various parts of their bodies just to make you look stupid.
  10. Lesson #10 - Twitter is not the cousin of Tweetie - Cats are no good at twitter and can get you banned as a spammer. Close your laptop or at least disable your internet connection if you're leaving the cat loose while you're not at the keyboard. You don't want to know what Tink managed to paw up in under 140 characters - people on Twitter now think I'm a total moron.
  11. Wanna keep your toes out of danger when getting in and out of bed? Lesson #11 - It is wise to stuff old suitcases, storage boxes and whatever else you can under your bed unless you like being a moving toe target for your cat playing guerrilla warfare from under the bed.
  12. $300 Crystal Ice Buckets and rambunctious cats do not mix. Lesson #12 - Cat proof your house. Put important, expensive and breakable objects away or "Quakehold" or strap them down. Put your great-grandma's hand knitted afghan away in storage, hide your Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos. Whatever you cherish hide until the cat is so fat or so old they don't care about shredding or bouncing them off the floor anymore.
  13. Lesson #13 is really simple. Here Kitty, Look! Bacon Toes! is a REALLY STUPID GAME.
To show how my psyche has been affected by being the proud owner of a truly psychotic feline that is possibly devil spawn, here is a little sketch that I started out trying to make into a cute little kitty for a line of cute little kitty drawings. I may never be able to draw a cute little kitty ever again:
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17 comments:

  1. hahahah I'm still laughing at #6!!! Glad you're ok. And this is why I don't let a cat own me!

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  2. I got hi-jacked by this cat when she was itty bitty, forlorn and cute - and grateful for rescue. Now she's entrenched she has let her true nature come forth.

    I am a prisoner in my own home, Pixel is trapped too but at least she gets the upper bunk. . . .help. . .

    LOL.

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  3. Ha! I could have used this post before I got my new kitten. He shreds paper towel. Happy TT!

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  4. Brenda - you have my sympathies, truly. My paper towels are fortunately over the sink so the Tinkster would have to get wet to get to them but everything else that's within claw range has gotten her mark upon it.

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  5. Wow....I am very happy right now that I don't own a cat.

    You know, you might not be able to draw cute kitties anymore, but I can really see that sketch on a greeting card....just sayin'

    Happy TT

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  6. Tracie - I was actually thinking it would make a great tee shirt design with the saying THIS IS WHY I'M NOT A CAT PERSON or something on it - I actually scanned it and thought I'd clean it up a bit and put some up.

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  7. They are such a piece of work, with an emphasis on the pieces they leave of things you love all around you! They do mellow with age ... except that my 14-year-old supposedly senior cat still chases my toes under the covers and attacks them. Very funny post! Still, I couldn't live without them. They're addictive.

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  8. Love #9! No, cats don't do tricks. Unlike dogs, they evidently have a union and have successfully managed to negotiate a "no tricks" clause into their contract. :D

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  9. Lori - A Cat Union?? OMG, now they're organized??????

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  10. Joyce - Tink has her sweet moments but at this point they aren't balancing out the hell she's putting me through - she's truly living on the edge with me,lol.

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  11. This is an excellent TT! Cat ownership is a constant joy, isn't it? ;)

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  12. Chrissy - how can you possibly use the word "joy" without being struck down by lightening?? LOL. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

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  13. Oh no, demon kitty. Wow she got big fast, funny how that happens. And who knew she'd grow horns and her eyes would turn red? Poor Pixel. Poor, poor, Pixelator! You think you've got it bad, you should see what I'm dealing with. Lita's in heat, (Katy's chihuahua) and she's driving the boys crazy. Bonnie is uninvolved. She stays completely out of the endless loop of lust! There's so much humping going on it's obscene! You haven't seen anything until you see Oliver trying to mate with Lita.

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  14. Elizabeth - yes, Kitty Tink got big REAL fast and I think she's going to be a fat kitty too - all she does is eat when she's not stalking me or Pixel. But Pixel is much more affectionate to me now - that's one good benefit!
    I couldn't take all those pets you have, no way!

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  15. I agree with Janet - #6 has be cackling with the image. We have just surpassed Year 1 of brother & sister kittens. They have calmed down. But our couch is in shreds. And they still break stuff. We keep the bathroom doors closed and the plants locked away in our bedroom which they are only allowed to enter under a monitored situation. They stole my jewelry too. I took my rings off in a rare moment of cleaning motivation. When I went to put them back on they were no longer on the kitchen island. After tearing the house apart we found one under the fridge, two under the stove and one under the fish tank. Stupid me. Oh - and they knocked the X-Mas Tree over and ruined the hardwood floor in the process. So if you celebrate X-Mas, forget about using a real tree this year.

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  16. Cindy - love you say?

    Bumbles - oh man. I don't know if I can survive this.

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