1. I no longer have the glass plate from my microwave - I had just washed it, set it on the counter, got interrupted and Tink knocked it to the floor - bye bye microwave plate. Lesson #1 - don't leave anything breakable near the counter edge.
  2. A gold bracelet has gone missing. Tink discovered my jewelry box when I accidentally left the lid up. Lesson #2 - Always shut the jewelry box or buy only cheap costume jewelry.
  3. I went to the store for groceries. I came home and found my freshly baked banana bread full of little bite holes and the butter licked down to the plate. Lesson #3 - Don't leave the house without putting food somewhere cats can't get to it.
  4. Tink has developed a fondness for my little mini paper umbrellas on the bar. Lesson #4 - Don't tease a cat with little paper umbrellas that make crinkly noises and open and close.
  5. Tink is fond of dark places and hiding where I can't find him. Lesson #5 - shut all closet and cupboard doors and put a brick on all floor vents! (Yup, he yanked one up and crawled in!)
  6. Tink got into my art drawer where I keep various and sundry goodies. He bit into a tube of super glue. After you quit laughing please remember Lesson #6 - Cats look really funny with paper clips, eraser nubs and stamps stuck on their faces but sooner or later you have to get them off. You will not look funny with all the scratches and puncture holes on your hands and arms that will result from this truly agonizing exercise.
  7. Don't think your cat is just laying there being lazy as it watches you go about your daily routine. Your cat is watching every move you make and calculating more mischief. Lesson #7 - Once your cat learns how to open the screen door by himself you will never be able to get a nice breeze from that direction again without bungee cords and locks being installed.
  8. I've lost three rolls of toilet paper because I was stupid enough to let the cat in the bathroom with me. Lesson #8 - Never let a cat even see a roll of toilet paper, you can also buy a toilet paper protector and struggle with the contraption every time you have to pee. Or just give up and put the damn roll in a drawer for the remainder of the cat's life.
  9. Lesson #9 - Cats don't do tricks and don't kid yourself into thinking they do - you'll waste a ton of kitty treats and when you try to get them to do the trick to show off they'll ignore you, twitch their tail, lay down and lick various parts of their bodies just to make you look stupid.
  10. Lesson #10 - Twitter is not the cousin of Tweetie - Cats are no good at twitter and can get you banned as a spammer. Close your laptop or at least disable your internet connection if you're leaving the cat loose while you're not at the keyboard. You don't want to know what Tink managed to paw up in under 140 characters - people on Twitter now think I'm a total moron.
  11. Wanna keep your toes out of danger when getting in and out of bed? Lesson #11 - It is wise to stuff old suitcases, storage boxes and whatever else you can under your bed unless you like being a moving toe target for your cat playing guerrilla warfare from under the bed.
  12. $300 Crystal Ice Buckets and rambunctious cats do not mix. Lesson #12 - Cat proof your house. Put important, expensive and breakable objects away or "Quakehold" or strap them down. Put your great-grandma's hand knitted afghan away in storage, hide your Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos. Whatever you cherish hide until the cat is so fat or so old they don't care about shredding or bouncing them off the floor anymore.
  13. Lesson #13 is really simple. Here Kitty, Look! Bacon Toes! is a REALLY STUPID GAME.
To show how my psyche has been affected by being the proud owner of a truly psychotic feline that is possibly devil spawn, here is a little sketch that I started out trying to make into a cute little kitty for a line of cute little kitty drawings. I may never be able to draw a cute little kitty ever again:
If you still like cats...
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