13 Things To Do With That Damn Fruitcake - Thursday Thirteen

13 Useful Things You Can Do With That Dumb Fruitcake You Just Got For Christmas
  1. Regift it next year to the person who sent it to you.
  2. Serve it up to the houseguest from Hell who won't leave - honest, this works everytime! (Liz and Brad - don't even think about it, I'm wise to this trick!!)
  3. Use it as a doorstop - just don't stub your toe on it!
  4. Use it as a paperweight - heck, you could even use it as a trash compactor!
  5. Collect as many fruitcakes as you can and build a small doghouse with them. Hey, old fruitcake is an excellent insulator and nothing alive eats these fruitcakes - even ants!
  6. It's great as ballast for your sail boat.
  7. Fruitcakes make excellent land fill.
  8. Grind it up, add water and pour yourself a new sidewalk or driveway.
  9. Use it as your Yule Log - it gives off funny colored smoke from the candied fruit but these cakes are so dense one will last all night!
  10. It makes an excellent self defense weapon - if you can manage to get it in your purse and are strong enough to swing that kind of weight around.
  11. Drill a narrow hole down the middle, slide in some candle wicks and turn it into a holiday mood light.
  12. Put it in a brown paper bag, place it on that nasty neighbor's doorstep, set fire to it and run.
  13. Carve Elvis' face in it and sell it on Ebay.
For some extra fruitcake laughs read my poem There's Only One Fruitcake In The World.

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  1. Haha that's cool. I think I like the candle holder idea and the one about carving Elvis' face into and selling it on ebay the best.

    Hope your having a great holiday season so far. :o)

  2. The candle idea is best---but I would think you could put several tapered candles in one...like 3, or how about a round fruitcake---perfect centerpiece for the holiday table! :-D

    My TT is 13 pictures from our trip to Colorado/Wyoming this August.


  3. Well, I love fruit cake, so I'd eat it!

  4. I have an elderly friend who makes these every year. It's part of her holiday and an enormous pain in the rear. I don't know why she bothers but she does.

    Gratefully, I've never received one...

  5. Oh, oh! *jumping up and down* Re-gift it to me. Once it's soaked long enough in enough bourbon, I love fruit cake.

  6. LOL! Very creative ideas. I like the first one best. Have a great holiday!

  7. Thanks guys for your comments - everyone seems to like the candle idea, where I'm fond of turning one into Elvis and selling it on Ebay, lol.

    I can't believe Nicolas eats these things!

  8. Good list! I hate fruitcake!

    Happy TT!

  9. NotJust - me too - especially the candied fruit in it! Ick!

  10. I like fruitcake. I lived in Australia for several years in the 1960s. They made English-style fruit cakes. Delicious. Did you know that fruit cakes are used for weeding cakes in Australia and England?

    I write a boomer consumer blog called The Survive and Thrive Boomer Guide at http://boomersurvive-thriveguide.typepad.com.


  11. Rita - I had heard once that fruitcake was used as wedding cake in some cultures, though it would never be my choice, lol.

    I checked out your blog and it had some good info - I could have used the statistics you quoted on baby boomer buying power in a post I just put up yesterday at The Boob Tube Blog I write!

    Thanks for stopping by!

  12. But I love fruitcake. I'd eat it before doing any of that.

    I know a WWII Vet who has a great story about his life being saved by a fruitcake. Something about a fight he was about to get in when a fruitcake came in the mail and he offered it to his adversary so they made up.

  13. I have actually seen what I'd call a Cadillac fruitcake at Whole Foods (some folks call it Whole Paycheck), one I'd actually consider eating ... but as to any other "regular" kind, yuck in a loaf! These are hilarious alternatives, although I think my late, great dog Bear would have eaten his way out of a dog enclosure made of yuck bricks. He was known to eat anything, like Mikey in that cereal commercial: socks, a whole frozen pizza stolen from the counter top, and items from his cat brothers' litterbox that bring yuck to a new low. Sorry if I grossed anyone out, but could it really be worse than fruitcake?

  14. Colleen - send me your address and I'll forward every fruitcake I get from now on, lol. I'd be interested in reading that full story if you could find it, by the way.

    Joyce - I've never heard "Whole Paycheck" before and I'm cracking up! Remember "Needless Markup" for Neiman Marcus?
    As for the beloved Bear - he was so good looking I bet he got away with his "garbage gut" habits, didn't he?

  15. I can't be the only person who actually enjoys fruit cake, am I? But only in small amounts.

  16. Ann- meet Nicolas, Nicolas Ann. She likes fruitcake too!


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