20081210

13 Things To Do With That Damn Fruitcake - Thursday Thirteen

13 Useful Things You Can Do With That Dumb Fruitcake You Just Got For Christmas
  1. Regift it next year to the person who sent it to you.
  2. Serve it up to the houseguest from Hell who won't leave - honest, this works everytime! (Liz and Brad - don't even think about it, I'm wise to this trick!!)
  3. Use it as a doorstop - just don't stub your toe on it!
  4. Use it as a paperweight - heck, you could even use it as a trash compactor!
  5. Collect as many fruitcakes as you can and build a small doghouse with them. Hey, old fruitcake is an excellent insulator and nothing alive eats these fruitcakes - even ants!
  6. It's great as ballast for your sail boat.
  7. Fruitcakes make excellent land fill.
  8. Grind it up, add water and pour yourself a new sidewalk or driveway.
  9. Use it as your Yule Log - it gives off funny colored smoke from the candied fruit but these cakes are so dense one will last all night!
  10. It makes an excellent self defense weapon - if you can manage to get it in your purse and are strong enough to swing that kind of weight around.
  11. Drill a narrow hole down the middle, slide in some candle wicks and turn it into a holiday mood light.
  12. Put it in a brown paper bag, place it on that nasty neighbor's doorstep, set fire to it and run.
  13. Carve Elvis' face in it and sell it on Ebay.
For some extra fruitcake laughs read my poem There's Only One Fruitcake In The World.

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